5 Stages of Guilt

In training, there is always a chance that someone is going to get injured. This is the unfortunate truth that no one likes to think about too much. Personally, when I get injured, I can accept that as being an unfortunate part of the the job. What I can't handle too well is when a training partner gets injured. No matter what the circumstances are, there's always a certain level of guilt that comes when you've been involved with someone getting hurt. This happened to me recently and, since others experience this sometimes as well, I thought I would discuss it here. I was grappling with a fellow instructor and training partner of 15 years and it ended with him getting hurt. I insist that I forced too hard on his ankle and he politely maintains that he should have tapped earlier. Either way, there was an accident and I was involve and I don't like that one bit. So I know from experience of having to hurt people through fighting and security work that I would have an emotional roller coaster ahead of me. There are generally 5 stages we go through when feeling guilty about something and I knew I would experience them all. Over the course of 48 hours, I decided to document the process.

Stage 1: Denial
The obvious first reaction is denial. As soon as it's clear that someone's hurt, you want that to not be the case anymore. The closest thing to going back in time and fixing the problem is to try and convince yourself that the injury isn't as bad as you thought. In my most recent and unfortunate case, I heard a crack in my friend's ankle and let go immediately, asking him if he was ok. He kept his composure and told me he was fine, so I immediately started to tell myself that I imagined the whole thing. That wouldn't last of course as it became evident that an injury just happened.

Stage 2: Anger
When denial doesn't work and we realize that this situation isn't going away, we often need to find something to blame. For me, I was instantly furious with myself. I was mad that after all these years of training I could still let an accident happen. I should be experienced enough to know when to let go and never should have been generating enough force to even come close to hurting someone. These are all true, of course, and became my main focus for a full 24 hours afterwards.

Stage 3: Bargaining
Denial leads into anger and, when that doesn't help, we try to "cut a deal" with ourselves. This is usually some kind of promise to ourselves to accomplish 2 things: to make sure we don't repeat the unfortunate incident and to make our guilt go away. I spent the whole next day going through various "deals" with myself. I started with "I'm never sparring again" to "I'm only going to train my defense from now on" and then I ended up promising myself that I would take some time to focus on teaching the newer students and less time on fighting for the sake of my ego.

Step 4: Depression
When all the previous stages fail to yield results, the first step to accepting the truth of the situation is depression. To be clear, the stage is referred to as depression, but it isn't always that extreme. I was, and still am, sad about the whole incident. I feel awful that a friend got hurt and that is a totally normal reaction. In my experience, this is often the longest of the stages, rivaled occasionally with stage 2.

Stage 5: Acceptance
After taking some time to meditate on the situation, a certain level of acceptance can be reached. I'm still mad at myself for letting an injury happen, I still want to shift my focus in training for the next while and I'm still upset that my friend is hurt but I know we've both been through this over the years and we'll both be alright. I've had to cope with being responsible for people's injuries before, mostly from working in private security, and the duration of each stage can vary. Sometimes the guilt goes away in a few hours and in some cases it takes months. Acceptance, when reached, is the only permanent stage. Unfortunately, it's a tough road to get there and isn't always reached.

My best advice for anyone going through this is to meditate. Get yourself through the stages by tackling your feelings head-on. Avoidance will just make the guilt worse. Dealing with an injury is an experience that most martial artists have to go through, so being the one who inflicted that on a friend is never easy to accept. You will beat yourself up for it, the injured person will often insist that it's not your fault and friends will offer kind words but, unfortunately, none of that will work. Take the time to acknowledge how you feel.

Wishing my friend a fast and healthy recovery. I'll be nagging you frequently for progress updates. Heal up, brother!

Jordan Bill
Fight or Die

www.scrapyardfighting.com
www.combatsystema.com
twitter.com/scrapyard514
youtube.com/scrapyardmartialarts